Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
