He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
