Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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