dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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