Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
