there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
