i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
