Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
