Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
