After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize