sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i think my mom watched the whole time
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
