Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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