This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
