It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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