she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
