i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
there's paper in my vomit.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
