I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
