Someone shit on the floor
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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