I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
