I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I faked an abortion last night.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Houston, we have a squirter
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize