it was like his penis was on wheels.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
