He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
