the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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