i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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