i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
