i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
