Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Randomize
