the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
