Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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