so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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