I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
