Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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