your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
