your parents love me but you hate me
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
