Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
The air taste purple.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
