if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Randomize
