If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
