i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize