You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
