Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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