I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
