I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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