I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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