im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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