Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize