We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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