I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
