If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
