he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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