at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
