Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
