Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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