You really coming over, don't trick.
Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
