Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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