How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
