I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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