You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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