"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
