My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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