I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
