Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
sarcasm needs its own font
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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