My cat gives me a boner
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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