I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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