so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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